|October 15, 2011
Clint Eastwood's advice in "Dirty Harry" that
opinions, like certain body parts, are best kept to
I've gotten older, I've discovered that time is speeding up.
When I was 8 years old and watching that clock minute hand
in the school room, it seemed to take forever to make it to
3:15, when the bell rang and I could bolt for home. But,
when I'm my age, a week seems about 4 days long. My body
hasn't told my mind that I'm getting older, I still tell my
wife the same old jokes, and play the same old gags. She
told me once that I should "act my age", and I
told her, "Hey! I'd seen guys my age!"
week, I got an email from the committee for my 50th high
school reunion ( I didn't go, preferring to remember those
kids the way they were), and found out that out of our class
of about 180, a couple dozen of them are already taking dirt
naps. Maybe my plan to live forever has a few flaws in it.
wife and I have been doing some "Fall cleaning",
throwing things away, giving stuff to the Salvation Army (my
favorite clothing store). When I went there with a bunch of
stuff to donate, I walked out with a brand-new pair of GAP
khakis, with all the tags still on them, for $6 bucks. Heck
of a deal, don't think I've actually paid retail for
anything but socks and underwear for 10 years, but my wife
gets upset with me if I tell anyone my $40 like-new L.L Bean
shirt only cost me a $1.99 at the Salvation Army store. She
doesn't realize that saving money is a hobby to be envied by
On the way home, still feeling the
effects of a rather spicy luncheon choice, I stopped at the
local pharmacy to buy a bottle of Alka-Seltzer. I was
directed to a display of boxes of the tablets sealed two by
two in tin-foil. No, I said, I wanted to get 'em in one of
those round glass bottles. The young lady, who was about as
old as my $1.99 L.L.Bean shirt, had never heard of
Alka-Seltzer in bottles.
I settled for the box, but
back home, I went to the website for Alka-Seltzer and in the
FAQ's found this:
|Did Alka-Seltzer ever come in a glass
container? Alka-Seltzer used to be in glass tubes,
which were discontinued in 1984 to reduce costs and
eliminate breakage problems.
Later, I was going through a rubbermaid
container, and found the combination to the safe in the
laundry room. I'd been missing that combination for years,
so I went right downstairs, spun the dial and opened it up.
All it contained was my dad's old revolver, a nickel, and a
quarter, I must have spent the rest. Ok, now that I've told
the world where my safe is, I'll have to follow through with
my plan to give the thing to one of my kids, one that
actually has stuff needing fire and theft protection, and,
my aching back, it's going to take about 3 people to get it
up the stairs.
Our cleaning project lead me to my
dad's old briefcase in my office, and in it was a green
round metal container of Doan's Pills, "a mild diuretic
for the kidneys" according to the label, whatever that
means. That antique container of pills now has a new home in
the medicine cabinet in my motorhome, right next to my
lifetime supply of dental floss (4 new containers of it)
that I acquired when dad died 18 years ago. When dad went
shopping, he must have always thought he was out of dental
floss. I'm the same way with soy sauce, I remember once
finding half a dozen bottles of the stuff in the back of the
I've accumulated so many medicine
cabinet things over 45 years of marriage, I have a regular
pharmacy in the bathroom. No prescription drugs, fortunately
my wife and I rarely if ever had any, but if you have
athlete's foot, sore muscles, sunburn, scrapes or cuts, a
sore throat, constipation or the reverse of it, or you come
down with poison ivy or too much ear wax, I've got your
solution right here.
Recently, I found out that "dad's
medicine cabinet" has become a humorous item with my
kids. Let 'em laugh, I tell 'em "expiration dates"
don't mean anything, especially if they've worn-off.
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