GUIDO SARDUCCI has spent the past twenty years living and
working in the United States as gossip columnist and rock critic for
the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano. Recently, he was also
appointed Assistant Managing Editor for the Vatican Inquirer.
audiences first became familiar with Father Sarducci during the "golden
years" of "Saturday Night Live," when he appeared
regularly as a commentator (and occasionally as a correspondent) on
He's also been a frequent and
welcome guest on "The Tonight Show" (with Johnny Carson
and Jay Leno) and on "Late Night with David Letterman."
about Father Guido Sarducci
(This article originally appeared on March 13, 2005, a
few weeks before the death of Pope John Paul II)
Sermon For Today
Well, as you all know, the Pope is
a little under the weather. So, they asked me to step in and give
the sermon this morning.
The Pope, he's one amazing guy. I
remember when he came to New York. He gets picked up at the airport
by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the
driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive, can I drive?"
The driver, he can't say no to the Pope, so the Pope gets behind the
wheel, and the limo driver climbs in back. The Pope is a
speed-demon, hits the gas and goes about 100 in a 45 zone.
a cop pulls him over, goes up, looks in the window, and runs back to
his squad car, and radios headquarters. He says, "I just pulled
over somebody really important". What do I do? Well, they say, "give
the guy a ticket". I can't do that, he is REALLY important! "What",
they say, "more important than the Governor, or the President?"
"I dunno," says the cop, "but he's got the
POPE drivin' for him!"
When the Pope was a young
priest, he was hearing confessions one Saturday in his small church
in Poland, and a drunk comes in, and goes in the confession box next
to him, sits down, and says nothing. The Pope coughs to attract his
attention, but still the man says nothing. So, the Pope, he knocks
on the wall a couple of times, trying to get the guy's attention.
Finally, the drunk says: "No use knockin', there's no paper in
this one either."
I wanna talk to you today about the
10 Commandments, and I'll keep this short, 'cause I've got a
tee-time at noon. Actually there were more than Ten Commandments,
but Moses was old and grumpy, and after he broke the tablets he
could only remember the negative ones. "Don't do this. Don't do
that." The truth is, most of them were more like advice. The
Twelfth Commandment, for example, was "Whistle while you work."
(People think it's from Disney, but Disney stole it from God.)
I like to think of them as the "Ten Suggestions", because
God, well, he didn't use the word "Absolutely" in any of
know you'll all join me in wishing the Pope a speedy recovery. We
all miss him, especially on Friday afternoons at "The Roman
Collar Bar & Grill" on Vatican Street. It's not the same
there without him.
Now, we're gonna' take up the
collection, so all of you reading this at home, just hit the PayPal
button, and remember to be generous. Cigarettes are really getting
Have a great Sunday. Dominic, go frisk 'em.